Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
