She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
