Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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