he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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