Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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