just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
