Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
