70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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