I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
