ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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