your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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