he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
