my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
