were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
