so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
