She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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