i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
