So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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