her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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