at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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