Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
