If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's shark week go big or go home
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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