my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
