The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize