please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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