I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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