Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Someone stole a lamp last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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