twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
