The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
