Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
