They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
