i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
