bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
