you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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