I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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