Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
