Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
