Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
