Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
