I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
