someone threw a dead crab at me
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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