I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
wakey wakey hands off snakey
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
