i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
