im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
