So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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