i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
