one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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