Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
