and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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