She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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