That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
zippers are such a cool invention
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
