They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
