I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
