You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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