Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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