Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
