Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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