you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
